Soul Eater abridged
by Mandymom
Summary: While this may not be in the typical video format of an abridged series, it's still got (most) of the qualities of one, and some unique charm. Such as, Soul and Maka dating, and a bloodthirsty yandere Blackstar out to kill Maka so he can win Soul's heart. Enjoy the world of Soul Eater abridged!
1. Chapter 1

"Okay Soul, here's that guy we need to kill to get 99 souls." Maka pointed to Jack the Ripper.

"Got it...makes my mouth water..." Soul licked his lips.

"You always say that..." Maka replied.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Let's just do it-"

"Meister power...Activate!" Maka's pigtails become longer, she now had black eye shadow and black lipstick on, and her jacket became red and black plaid with the DMMA logo on it.

"You didn't even change your clothes! Your still wearing the same miniskirt, the same tie, and your jacket is tacky."

"I look totally badass!" Maka claimed.

"No, no you don't." Soul groaned.

"If we keep chitchatting he'll get away!" Maka pointed out. Soul then transformed.

"YOU were the one chitchatting. Okay Maka, you take the reins now, since your the brains of this operation-"

"Your not wearing your costume." Maka said while dashing towards Jack.

"What?"

"Your not wearing your special costume!"

"It doesn't look cool on me."

"Your lucky I can talk and fight at the same time. Ah well. We'll have to do it for the final one." Maka killed Jack.

"Thank goodness it's finaly over..." Soul sighed, popping the soul of Jack into his mouth and eating it. He then reverted to his human form. "Thank you for a good meal Maka. Now, since your my girlfriend, it's time for the victory kiss." Soul kissed Maka on the cheek.

"Aw, shucks..." Maka blushed. "I love you Soul."

"Me too." Soul replied.

"Lets now report our progress." Maka said. She walked to the nearest window. "42, 42, 564, whenever you wanna knock on death's door." Maka recited. "Hello, Lord Death?" Death's room appeared. "This is Maka and Soul here."

"Nice to see you two! How are you?" Lord Death asked.

"Er...good." Maka answered.

"We have successfully murdered 99 people." Soul answered.

"Soul!" Maka exclaimed.

"But it's true Maka...we have murdered 99 people." Soul pointed out.

"What did I tell you about using the nice words? Anyway, we have collected the 99 Kishin Eggs we need for Soul to become a Death Scythe. Now, we need one witch soul." Maka announced.

"Good." Lord Death praised.

"I'll return to you with the report...hopefully." Maka replied.

"Is that Maka?! HEY MAKA!" Spirit yelled. He ran up to the mirror.

"Hey dad..." Maka groaned.

"I heard that you have slaughtered 99 people to have your weapon eat their souls and become a Death Scythe! Good job sweetheart!" Spirit congratulated. "Wait a minute, your boyfriend is with you too?"

"Of course he is dad, since he's my weapon." Maka answered.

"Listen bud, if you do anything inappropriate with my daughter, or hurt her on purpose in anyway possible, I'm gonna kill you, in my weapon form-wait...no. With my bare hands." Spirit warned. "I'll literally crush your neck!"

"Lay off on the weed, we're underage. I wouldn't do that anyway, she's not that attractive..." Soul replied.

"What?! You don't think my Maka's good enough for you?! You can at least mess around! Your a man aren't you?! I'll kill you!" Spirit threatened.

"Aw geez." Soul sighed.

"I love you Maka!" Spirit said.

"Your not my father..." Maka replied.

"On a different note, if you collect 99 souls that have left the human path, aka Kishin eggs, and one witch soul, you earn the right to become a Death Scythe. However, I've seen a lot of bitches killed in those fights. Be careful dog. If you mess up, all your kishin eggs will be confiscated." Lord Death said.

"Got it." Maka confirmed.

"Keep that in mind." Lord Death replied. The call ended.

"Maka!" Spirit sobbed.

"Reaper...chop!" Lord Death smacked Spirit with a reaper chop. "If you keep doing that, your getting another one."

"Geez, your old man is totally not cool."

"That's why I hate him with all my heart." Maka replied. "Anyway, we need to find the house of Blair."

"I heard witches are totally ugly, so I'll be able to slaughter her no prob."

"No, witches can look attractive, just like human women. Soul, you got to stop stereotyping people. Only stick with the facts, that's my motto."

"You run a tough bargain."

 **When they finally found Blair's house**

"This must be where that witch Blair lives!" Maka exclaimed.

"Cool pumpkin house. It's gonna taste so good. It's not manly to just sneak in. Ima go ambush her!"

"Hey Soul, wait! We gotta be sensible, she's not like the others."

"Here I go!"

"Hold on! I wasn't done with my speech!" Maka said. Soul crashed through the window. "SHE'S NAKED!"

"Are you okay little boy?" Blair asked. Soul got a nosebleed.

"Yeah, I'm totally fine. As a cool guy, well...I've seen my girlfriend naked plenty of times." Soul shrugged off.

"You have a pretty good nosebleed..." Blair replied. Soul sat up.

"Never mind the chitchat, your soul is-" Soul started.

"Soul! You idiot!" Maka yelled, hitting him sending him flying.

"Ow..." Soul said when he landed.

"Ahem. Your soul is mine!" Maka declared.

"Hey, you okay little boy?" Blair asked. Soul got another nosebleed.

"Turn into a sycthe now..." Maka prompted

"Yeah, yeah...Ahem, miss witch, I'm gonna eat your soul now." Soul announced.

"Witch?" Blair questioned. Soul turned into a scythe. "Oh...wow. Anyway, are you the lucky girlfriend?

"Y-Yeah..." Maka replied.

"I was expecting someone with a bigger chest..." Blair mentioned.

"My breasts are a fine size, thank you very much!" Maka scoffed.

"Well, at least your legs are nice. And your butt." Blair complimented. Maka blushed.

"I mostly like her for the personality ya know..." Soul replied. _And her cooking._ He thought. "Anyway, we're gonna kill you now."

"How cute. I kinda like you." Blair chuckled. "Hand over the scythe?" She asked. Maka stood her ground.

"Pumpkin, Pumpkin...Halloween cannon!" Blair blasted Maka and Soul out of her house.

 **Scene cut.**

"Mr. Death Scythe, your so handsome!" A lady said to Spirit. "Oh, you have a daughter don't you? What is she like?" The lady asked.

"Hold on, don't ask that..." Another lady warned.

"Huh, why not?" The lady asked.

"He can't keep his hands off women, as you can see. He isn't getting along with his wife because of that." The lady answered.

"Oh..."

"They ended up in the middle of divorcing."

"Ah..."

"His daughter even hates him!"

"Sounds complicated."

"Maka!" Spirit yelled. "It isn't like that!" Spirit ran off. "I love you more then anything! I'm telling the truth!" Spirit ran back in and paid. Then he started to walk out of the door in a slump.

"Mr Death Scythe. Be sure to come again!" The ladies said.

"Yep..." He replied. "Bye!" He ran out the door.

 **Several failed attempts later...**

Maka and Blair were fighting in town square. Blair blasted pumpkins, and Maka dodged them.

"You can't beat me!" Blair giggled.

"What are you doing, numbskull?!" Soul questioned.

"Shut up!"

"That's because of your stupid nosebleeds, right?"

"Huh?" Soul growled

"Men are such perverts..."

"Now little scythe boy, if your gonna fight with her, how about you come over here and be mine, hmm?

"No way! I'm his meister!"

"You don't say...I'll just need to kill you!" Blair launched a black ribbon-like attack. Maka dodged it and countered. Only the pumpkin Blair was sitting on got sliced.

"Where is she?" Maka wondered.

"Pumpkin, pumpkin, smashing pumpkin!" Blair cried. Maka got caught in the explosion. Blair grabbed her by the leg with a black ribbon-like thing. Blair flung her to a nearby roof. Her scythe managed to stab into the wood, allowing her to backflip onto the roof.

 **Scene change**

"That was great..." Spirit said to himself.

"Bro your daughter's totally in serious trouble and you were off chilling somewhere else?" Lord Death asked.

"Huh? Did something happen to Maka?" Spirit asked.

"She's backed into a corner, and will die homie." Lord Death replied.

"What?" He questioned. "Hold on Maka!" Spirit transformed partially into a scythe.

"Hold on a minute. We can't just go in and kill her."

"Maka..."

"Still...something feels off about that witch. Bad vibes."

 **Back to the fight**

"Hey Soul, is something wrong?" Maka asked.

"Maka..."

"Soul...?" Maka questioned. Soul untransformed.

"I've had enough." He let go of Maka's hand.

"Soul what are you doing!?" She yelled.

"I'm afraid I can't be your boyfriend anymore, it's too hard." Soul turned around. "I'm going to be Blair's boyfriend from now on! Her scythe too!"

"Really?" Blair asked.

"Yeah! Get your hands off Maka, you idiot!" Spirit cheered. Lord Death gave Spirit a reaper chop.

"Take a chill pill." He said.

 **With Maka and Soul**

"Blair! You deluding Soul with your magic aren't you?" Maka asked.

"Nope...she's sexier then you." Soul corrected.

"She is such a fine woman!" Spirit agreed. He got another reaper chop.

"Shut your mouth bitch."

"I can't believe this! Men just go for the hottest women everytime! I decided to trust you, and you betrayed me! Why do men do that?!" Maka asked.

"How would I know? Cool men don't go around betraying their girlfriends after all. Maka!" Soul reached out his hand. Maka ran towards him and grabbed it. He transformed. Maka dealt the finishing blow. Blair died and her body disappeared, leaving her soul behind. Soul grabbed it. "We did it Maka..."

"Yeah. Thank you Soul.

"The issue isn't about the form. The issue is the soul, right?" Soul asked.

"Once you eat that..."

"Yeah, I can become a Death Scythe!" Soul ate it. He could feel a spike in power. "I can feel it! The power!" Soul suddenly stopped. "And it's gone." Soul burped.

"Seriously?" Maka reacted. A cat suddenly started walking by. It sat down and meowed. Soul and Maka got confused.

"You wouldn't be..."

"Did I say I was a witch? Meow." Blair pointed out. She transformed back into a human. "I'm just a powerful magical cat girl, see?"

"Huh?!" Soul and Maka replied.

 **With Lord Death and Spirit**

"Turns out she was a cat..." Lord Death said.

"I don't care if I'll get arrested for zoophilia! I have decided, I will be your cat toy-" Spirit started, but he was interrupted by a reaper chop.

"Wait...does that mean I devoured 99 kishin eggs, and one cat soul?!" Soul questioned.

"Oh...now that you mention that..." Maka remembered. _"If you mess up man, all your kishin eggs will be confiscated._ "Which means...we failed!" Maka yelled.

"Damn it, damn it, damn it!" Soul got on his motorcycle and rode off with Maka.

"I'm a failure! Now I'll have to start all over again!" Maka sobbed.

 **End of chapter one**. **Chapter two preview proceeding...**

"An assassin, who hides in the shadows, and moves with the darkness..." The narrator introduced. "His name...Blackstar!"

"Those guys the target Tsubaki?" Black-star asked.

"Yes, Al Capone and his men. I'd say there's about a hundred of them.

"Two against a hundred, huh? Perfect odds."

"Black Star...let's go recover all the souls that have left the human path, and have become Kishin eggs."

"Wielder of the magic weapon Tsubaki. However, this boy had a problem."

"Lets go." Blackstar dashed into the room.

"Chapter two, Blackstar!" The narrator announced.

 **End of chapter preview.**


	2. Chapter 2

Blackstar was standing on the middle spike on the DWMA. He was raising his finger high, with Tsubaki clapping and no one else around. His hand turned into a thumbs up and he then jumped off and landed onto the ground.

 **Scene change**

Al Capone and his men were dining on souls.

"Wipe out any trash that dares to oppose me, okay?" Al Capone commanded. "Everyone wants to kill the generic villain after all!"

Those guys the target Tsubaki?" Black-star asked.

"Yes, Al Capone and his men. I'd say there's about a hundred of them."

"Two against a hundred, huh? Perfect odds."

"Black Star...let's go recover all the souls that have left the human path, and have become Kishin eggs. Here's some things for you to keep in mind. You need to blend in with the darkness, hold your breath, and wait for an opening. Align yourself with the target. Read his mind. Defeat target before he knows your there."

"Lets go." Blackstar dashed into the room. He landed on the table. "I'm Blackstar! Here to assassinate you! Yahoo! That totally ruled." Blackstar announced. Tsubaki de-transformed.

"Hey! I'm a weapon, not a microphone! Do you know what assassination means?" Tsubaki asked.

"Who are you? Die!" One of the men said and they all started shooting. Tsubaki and Blackstar ran around in a panic.

"They have guns?!" Blackstar questioned.

"Why wouldn't they have guns?!" Tsubaki yelled.

"We will flee for now! Yahoo!"

"Again?!"

"Smokeball mode!"

"Right!" Tsubaki transformed into smoke ball mode. Blackstar threw the smokeball to the ground and the smoke covered him up while he fled. When the smoke cleared, he was gone. Al Capone and his men were confused.

"A ninja?" A man questioned. Another of Al Capone's men walked up to him.

"Don Al Capone.." The man said.

"What?" He asked.

"The location of the witch has been found." He announced. Al Capone smiled and chuckled.

"Once I get that power, my family will be invincible!" Al Capone shouted.

 **Scene change**

Blackstar put his foot on one of the red stoppers on the left edge of the path. "Yahoo! That was a great stage today! I really am big!"

"I can't believe we haven't recovered a single Kishin egg...suspicion is gonna attract more boogeymen..."

 **Scene change**

"I don't see any good ones..." Tsubaki was searching for a new mission.

"What are you talking about? We aren't finished with those guys yet."

"But if we keep messing up over and over like we have been, maybe an easier one would be better for us."

"Yo!" Soul called. "From the looks of it, you blew yesterday too." He walked over to Blackstar and Tsubaki with Maka.

"What are you talking about? I did great!" Blackstar high-fived Soul. _I can't let him think I'm a loser! That would totally ruin my chances of getting with him!_

"You just couldn't recover the souls that became Kishin eggs, huh?" Maka asked.

"Well, I guess your right!" Blackstar replied. He then laughed. _Ugh, Maka's here too...I swear that she will be killed by me, the amazing Blackstar. And, after she's gone, I'll comfort Soul and he'll realize his feelings for him! Then, he'll become my boyfriend...and one day, we'll get married!_ Blackstar dreamed.

"So, how did you two do?" Tsubaki asked.

"Don't ask." Soul replied.

"It's depressing just thinking about it..."

"Will Blackstar and Tsubaki from Class Crescent Moon please report to the Death Room at once. Repeat..." The intercom operator said.

"Huh?" Blackstar questioned.

 **Scene change**

"Hey man! You messed up big time, totally cooked the goose. Al Capone and his men are still alive!" Lord Death said.

"Sorry about that." Tsubaki apologized.

"Dont worry about it sir, I'll turn Tsubaki into a Death weapon, a Death Scythe. But until then, you'll just have to make do with my autograph!" Blackstar showed Lord Death his autograph.

"I truly am sorry." Tsubaki apologized.

"The two of you do have what it takes, but I have a feeling your just doing this for the lolz." Lord Death replied.

"Y-Yes sir." Tsubaki replied.

"For my part, I would like to keep my view on your progress for the long term, but there is a problem." Lord Death mentioned.

"Problem?" Tsubaki asked.

"Capone and his men are making a move on a witch." Lord Death answered.

Blackstar shot up. "What?!"

"The name of the witch they are after is Angela. She's the future wife of a powerful swordsman. If Al Capone gets that power we're all doomed." Lord Death explained.

 **Scene change**

"I bet that I can't sneak up on you!" Blackstar dared.

"Okay, I'll be taking that bet."

 **At the bath.**

Blackstar peeked at Tsubaki. He freaked out when he saw her naked.

 _Must...resist...boobs..._

"You did a horrible job of hiding..." Tsubaki flung a shirkin at Blackstar, causing him to fall over.

"This is it...my chances with Soul are ruined..." He groaned.

"You never had any to begin with..." Tsubaki pointed out.

 **Scene change**

Capone and his men were standing on Mifune's ground.

"Ahem, you need to leave." Mifune said.

"No way. We're here to kill Angela and take her power." Capone said.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill you." Mifune replied. Capone and his men got their guns ready.

 **Scene change**

"We've been jumping forever...are we there yet?" Blackstar asked.

"Nope." Tsubaki replied. "We will be soon though."

"Finally..." Blackstar groaned. "Last chapter was rough..."

"I know, but writing a parody is hard." Tsubaki replied. Blackstar stood on the grounds along with Tsubaki.

"Did I travel into the future? I already killed everyone!" Blackstar wondered.

Mifune dropped down from the sky. Blackstar dodged.

"Things sure are busy today." Mifune groaned.

"Wait, did you kill everyone here?" Blackstar asked.

"Are you also here to kill Angela?" Mifune asked.

"Well, duh! Your just a stepping stone on my way to having a huge dick-I mean becoming big! Let's fight bro!"

"My name is Mifune. I am the witch Angela's future husband and bodyguard." Mifune introduced.

"My name's Blackstar, and I'm going to become the best guy ever, so my true love will finally love me!" Blackstar introduced.

"I do not desire any unnecessary bloodshed. Back off, and leave this place." Mifune commanded.

"Tsubaki..." Blackstar prompted.

"Right." Tsubaki transformed.

"Your a meister, huh?" Mifune asked.

"It makes you look small, standing before someone big like me. I know the feeling. I used to get it all the time when I looked in the mirror." Blackstar assumed.

"Whole bunch of freaking swords attack!" Mifune then sent a bunch of swords into the air.

"What is this?" Blackstar asked.

"Be careful Blackstar." Tsubaki warned.

"Since you insist on not leaving...I'll kill you!"

"Yahoo!" Blackstar threw his chain-scythe. Mifune caught it with his sword.

"I hate long fight scenes." Mifune groaned. He snapped his fingers and Blackstar was collapsed on the ground. "That takes care of it."

"No...it can't be...he defeated us by breaking the fourth wall..." Tsubaki worried. "It's not true..." Blackstar coughed. He began to get back up.

"You got some nerve...breaking the fourth wall for an easy victory...Senpai hates that..." Blackstar growled.

"Don't you think your being rude to the young lady?" Mifune asked. "The only reason you managed to survive my fourth wall powers is because of your weapon's competence. But no matter how superior a weapon may be, it's useless if the wielder is an incompetent idiot. Your a small fry, aren't you?"

"Thats not true! Blackstar may be a little...dumb, but if he tries he can do well!" Tsubaki replied.

"Mifune, what is your angle?" Blackstar asked.

"I'm just a bodyguard protecting my future wife Angela." Mifune answered.

"Your just trying to make yourself look better then me! Tsubaki!" Blackstar prompted.

"Right!" Tsubaki transformed into a ninja sword.

"This is a real fight Mifune, no tricks." Blackstar declared. Mortal Kombat music started playing.

"Your not just getting fourth wall powers this time." Mifune got into battle position and so did Blackstar. Mifune and Blackstar did a stare down thing. Blackstar started fading away to reveal it was actually Tsubaki. "Dummy star mode." Tsubaki said.

"What?!" Mifune said. The real Blackstar rushed behind him.

"Finish him!" The mortal kombat announcer said.

"Final strike! Big wave!" Blackstar yelled, shooting his wavelength through Mifune, sending him flying a couple feet. He landed on the ground next to a pillar.

"Fatality. Blackstar wins." The mortal kombat announcer declared.

"A real fight, with no stupid fourth wall powers...that's how an assassin operates!" Blackstar said. Mifune tried to get up, and also coughed up blood.

"I failed..." Mifune said.

"You tried to outshine me. You couldn't beat me in a million years. I'm a master at Mortal Kombat! Tsubaki..." Blackstar prompted.

"Right!" Tsubaki transformed.

"Where is she?" Blackstar asked.

"Stop!" A voice cried. A flying young witch appeared on a broom and landed next to Mifune. "Please don't hurt my future husband Mifune!"

"Angela..." Mifune said.

"He's protecting me from humans, because I'm not good at magic yet. So please don't hurt Mifune!" Angela begged.

"She's Angela?" Blackstar questioned.

"Blackstar...the souls of the Capone gang and a witch without magical power are right here. We will never find this good a chance again." Tsubaki said.

"Yeah...but still..." Blackstar replied.

"Idiot! Idiot! Idiot!" Angela was hitting Blackstar. She hit him in the head with a sword, causing him to bleed.

"I'm going to kill you dirty brat!" Blackstar threatened.

"Mifune!" Angela cried, running to him. She hid behind him.

"You can have my life if you want...but if you mean to kill Angela...I swear on my sword, I will defend her to the death..." Mifune said

"What should we do?" Tsubaki asked.

"Ha, a pedo defending a baby witch? Beyond pathetic." Blackstar said. "Lets go Tsubaki."

"Right." Tsubaki agreed.

"Besides, it would probably haunt me forever." Blackstar commented.

 **Back with Lord Death**

There was a giant pile of souls in the death room.

"Are you sure about this?" Lord Death asked.

"Yeah. I didn't kill them, after all." Blackstar answered.

"Hmm...why do I have a sudden urge to hit you?" Lord Death wondered.

 **End of chapter 2. Chapter 3 preview.**

"Death the Kid, the son of Lord Death himself. A perfect young man, with perfect abilities..." The narrator introduced.

"Why thank you! You can just call me Kid for short though." Kid replied. A criminal was running away from Kid. The criminal got cornered. Kid walked up to the criminal. "Lupin, it's over. Even though the windows weren't symmetrically barred like I asked." He held his two twin pistols in his hands, and he flung them backwards, then they transformed into Liz and Patty. "Phantom Thief Lupin, we are here to recover your soul,"

"Which has turned into a Kishin egg!" All three of them said together in formation.

"He's a little bit too much of perfectionist." The narrator said.

"Patty, your stance is off!" Kid growled.

"Oh, I'm sorry about that!" Patty replied, getting out of the formation.

"He's got bad OCD." The narrator said. Kid made finger quotes. "Chapter 3, Death the Kid!"

 **Chapter 3 preview end.**


	3. Chapter 3

Lupin crashed through a window, escaping his imprisonment. Lupin opened up a bag of souls. He closed them, and ran. Death the Kid shot Lupin. He missed. Lupin looked around, wondering where the shots came from. He noticed they came from Kid and ran. Kid smirked.

"Lupin, it's over. Even though the windows weren't symmetrically barred like I asked." He held his two twin pistols in his hands, and he flung them backwards, then they transformed into Liz and Patty. They "Phantom Thief Lupin, we are here to recover your soul,"

"Which has turned into a Kishin egg!" All three of them said together in formation.

"Patty, your stance is off!" Kid growled.

"Oh, I'm sorry about that!" Patty replied, getting out of the formation.

"This isn't the time to be going off about that!" Liz scolded.

"I want things to precise at all times. It's my OCD." Kid replied.

"I know, but at the moment..." Liz started.

"Aren't I always saying that my OCD calls for symmetry to be my aesthetic? " Kid asked. Meanwhile, Lupin was getting away.

"He's getting away!" Patty pointed out.

"Didn't I say to listen perfectly when I'm talking?!" Kid yelled.

"Okay." Patty replied.

"Now, as I was saying, symmetry is my aesthetic. I need to have perfect left right balance." Kid said.

"It's beginning..." Liz said.

"That's why I always use you two as paired pistols. When you are held, you are symmetric. But when your human, your heights and hairstyles are totally different, not to mention your chests..." Kid grabbed Liz's breast and Patty's breast. _So squishy...but so imperfect..._ He thought. Liz smacked Kid.

"Excuse me for being smaller then my sister!" She snapped. "What do you mean symmetry? You only have stripes on the left side of your hair! Those aren't symmetrical, are they?!"

At this realization, Kid curled up into a ball and pounded his fist on the ground. "I'm a disgusting pig!" He cried. "Why is my hair colored like this? I'm a pathetic excuse of a person!" Patty laughed at that. "Face it, I deserve to burn in hell!"

"There he goes again..." Liz groaned. "Patty."

"Right." Patty replied. They both looked at Kid.

"You are the next generation of death god, right?" Liz asked. "Who cares about those stripes!"

"Kid, you are not a pig. Pigs say 'meow!', so hang in there!" Patty said.

"You mean, I'm not a pathetic excuse for a person?" Kid asked.

"No, of course not." Liz replied.

"Trash goes 'oink!'" Patty replied.

"Well then, it's time to report to my father." Kid said.

 _Is he easy to manipulate, or hard?_ Liz wondered. _I hate trust fund kids..._ Kid did the summony thingy.

"Oh, hi son! Those hair stripes look fetch, as you say!" Lord Death greeted.

"Stop making Mean Girl references, fetch isn't going to happen." Kid replied.

"Best to steer clear about that topic." Liz whispered. This confused Lord Death.

"Well no matter I guess. It appears your recovery of Kishin Eggs is going smoothly. As a death god, you don't really need to collect souls." Lord Death pointed out.

"I want to make my own weapon, perfect for myself." Kid replied.

"Since you have twice the weaponry, you need to collect twice the souls." Lord Death said. "Liz, Patty, you gals hang in there."

"You bet!" They replied.

"That's why I like collecting all my souls in one shot. Any good targets?" Kid asked.

"If that's the case, then how about this?" Lord Death offered.

 **Scene change**

Blackstar and Tsubaki were walking to the job postings. Blackstar yawned. _That dream last night about Soul was great..._

"I wonder whats up." Tsubaki said.

"Hey Soul, Maka!" Blackstar called.

"Good morning." Maka greeted.

"Good morning." Tsubaki replied. Soul and Blackstar did their morning high-five. "Has something happened?" Tsubaki asked.

"You didn't know? Everyone is talking about it." Soul replied. Blackstar laughed.

"They are just now fearing my bigness?" Blackstar asked.

"No it's that, over there!" Soul pointed. A job posting was taken.

 **Scene change**

"There's a pyramid in Egypt, the ruins of Anubis." Lord Death explained. "There's a witch thats a necromancer, who keeps bringing the mummies buried there back to life. She walks the mummies out night after night, feeding them souls. Necromancers spell a lot of trouble, she creates one set, then those mummies attack people providing her with more...er...material, so she's increasing her forces exponentially, until she has an army of over 9000."

"The architecture of that era was based on symmetry. How nice." Kid replied.

"Originally, I was going to assign a three-star meister to this one..." Lord Death mentioned.

"Don't worry, I'm too fabulous to fail." Kid replied. He flew on his rocket skateboard. _I'll be able to enjoy the amazing architecture after I kill that witch!_

 **With Soul and the gang**

"How about we check it out?" Soul offered.

"He's a stupid showoff! He really thinks he can become bigger then me?" Blackstar replied.

"Let's get going then." Soul said, the two of them running off.

 **Back with Kid**

Kid had arrived, and parked his rocket skateboard. It then disappeared in a bunch of black skull smoke stuff. "Look at the exquisite symmetry!" Liz and Patty transformed into humans, then stretched.

"Ugh, all that time in weapon form gives me a headache!" Liz complained.

"It's huge!" Patty said. Kid snickered.

"There's too much dust..." Kid groaned.

"How about let's come inside?" Patty asked. Kid snickered again.

"I don't like this place, nor Patty's accidental innuendos." Liz sighed, all of them walking into the pyrmaid.

"Those weren't accidental!" Patty corrected. "I meant for them to have a double meaning!"

"Your saying you meant for those to have a sexual meaning...on purpose?!" Liz yelled.

"Yep, I meant for them to be related to the ultimate hug!" Patty answered.

"The...ultimate hug?" Kid questioned.

"That's her word for sex..." Liz explained. Kid blushed. He quickly got sidetracked by the scenery.

"It's so perfect...maybe this should be my vacation home!" Kid suggested.

"I hate dark and icky places!" Liz cried.

"I've been wondering something sis. Why do only adults do the ultimate hug?" Patty asked. "Oh, maybe it's because adults are more responsible?" Patty suggested.

"It's illegal to have sex if your not an adult, Patty." Liz answered.

"But why?" Patty asked.

"Adults are more mature." Liz sighed.

"That's right! Your so smart!" Patty complimented. Kid suddenly stopped.

"Kid, why did you stop?" Liz asked. "You've been really quiet..."

"Well, uh, maybe I'm crazy, but I have a horrible feeling that the painting in my living room is leaning a bit to the right..." Kid answered. "And I really need a cheeseburger."

"That doesn't really matter right now!" Liz snapped.

"But I must go check!" Kid declared, and started walking off. Liz grabbed him by the shoulder and dragged him along.

"I'm worrying!" Kid said. "And hungry!"

There was a crowd of mummies and Liz stopped.

"Mummies everywhere!" Liz screamed. Liz held on to Patty. The mummies were giggling. "They're kinda cute..." One of the mummies creepily licked Liz. "It licked me, it licked me!" Liz freaked out. "We need to transform now..." Liz prompted. "Hey Kid..." Liz turned around and Kid wasn't there.

'Dear Liz and Patty, I have gone home to check the painting. Don't stop me. I'm also getting a cheeseburger. Text me if you want something from Deathburger too. Yours truly, Death the Kid.'

"He's joking right?" Liz asked. Patty pulled out her cellphone.

"I need my chicken nuggets!" Patty declared. She texted Kid real quick, then pocketed her phone. The mummies rushed towards them.

"Patty!" Liz cried.

"Right!" Patty transformed. Liz gunned down a mummy. Liz and Patty switched. Patty put Liz in a mummies mouth.

"Ew, it smells!" Liz complained. Patty shot. Then they switched again.

 **Meanwhile, with the witch**

The witch had a special formation with some Kishin eggs. "Ancient statue, I lend you the dark heart from my body, that you may live again and do my bidding! Awaken Pharaoh, your master is calling you!" The witch chanted. **Actual dub lines.**

"It's time for your death..." The pharaoh declared. His hand grabbed the witch by her face.

"No, no! Wait! I'm your master! You can't kill me!" The witch got dragged in and killed.

"No one is my master...all who enter beware...I'm a serial killer..." The pharaoh warned.

 **With Soul and Blackstar**

Soul and Blackstar searched for answers, but found nothing.

 **With Kid**

Kid had finished measuring the painting. "I was just imagining things...it's perfect." He said to himself. He turned around. "And now, the girls are waiting for me. I need to get going."

 **With Liz and Patty**

"Well, I think we've split them evenly." Liz said. Patty nodded.

"Kid would get depressed if we didn't divide them evenly." Patty replied. There was a mysterious noise. She went on ahead.

"Maybe we should wait for Kid..." Liz suggested.

"But I have you with me!" Patty replied. They tried to sneak up.

"What's that over there?" Patty yelled. The pharaoh send out his bandages.

 **With Soul and Blackstar...again.**

"Aren't you two suppose to be in class?" Sid asked.

"We were wondering who took the Anubis mission." Blackstar answered.

"That wasn't taken by a student...it's too hard. Like my dreadlocks." Sid explained.

"Then who?" Blackstar asked.

"Lord Death's son." Sid replied.

"He has one of those?" Blackstar asked.

"Damn." Soul commented.

"Yes really. These dreadlocks don't lie." Sid confirmed. "You need to catch up on your lore. Anyway, he's a Grim Reaper, like his dad. His name is Death the Kid."

"Wait, like Billy the Kid?" Blackstar asked.

"He was going through a cowboy phase when he had him." Sid groaned. Kid landed back at Anubis.

"Still beautiful." Kid noted. "I need to give Patty her chicken nuggets..." Kid went inside. While he was rolling along on his rocket skateboard, he saw a cute ball thing. It meowed. Kid stopped. "Aww, your adorable!" Kid picked it up. "Wait a minute..." He noticed the eyelashes were off and bounced it away. It exploded. Then Kid arrived where the pharaoh was. Liz and Patty were posed sexily in the bandages.

"Kid..." Liz said. Kid blushed and his jaw dropped. He let go of the Deathburger bag.

"Sorry for interrupting the filming of your bandage hentai..." Kid apologized. and started backing away.

"Hey, we're getting assaulted!" Liz yelled. Kid ripped through the bandages.

"Transform." Kid commanded.

"We can't if we're wrapped up like this!" Liz pointed out.

"What?" Kid questioned. "TORNADO, FLIP!" Kid cried and cut the bandages with his rocket skateboard. Liz and Patty transformed. He prepared to shoot. "Your soul is mine!" Kid declared. Kid got owned by the pharaoh's punches.

"Are you okay?" Liz asked. Kid was too busy getting owned to say anything. "Why aren't you doing anything?"

"Look closely...He's symmetrical in every way!" Kid pointed out. He got owned some more.

"It's your time to die. Die. Die. Die." The pharaoh pounded Kid with a bandage hammer. "Die. Die. Die." He came out and was very asymmetrical. "I'll deal the finishing blow myself. Kid got up. "Oh my god your ugly!" He mowed down the pharaoh.

 **Outside the pyramid.**

"Well that was embarrassing. At least I recovered Patty's chicken nuggets." Kid said. He turned around. "Time to appreciate Anubis..." Anubis broke.

"Chicken Nuggets!" Patty cheered.

"You totally owned Anubis." Liz commented.

 **End of Chapter 3.**


	4. Chapter 4

Soul is in bed. He hit his alarm clock and it flew. He stretched. "I love eating souls!" _This morning is like any other morning, totally cool._ Soul narrated. Blair was on him.

"Soul, wake up!" Blair demanded.

"BLAIR?!" Soul yelled.

"Or maybe instead..." Blair started.

Maka was cooking breakfast. "How about you play with my huge breasts?" Blair suggested.

Maka opened the door. "Soul, it's breakfast time. We can't be late for school!"

"Oh, good morning Maka!" Blair greeted.

"SOUL!" Maka smashed Soul through the window. "YOU IDIOT!" _Turns out, this morning, isn't cool at all..._ Soul narrated.

 **School time**

"Hey Maka." Soul said.

"Leave me alone Soul. I'm reading." Maka replied.

"Why are you so grumpy today?" Soul asked.

"Maka, chop!" Maka hit Soul with a book. "Soul, what did you want to talk about?"

"There's a rumor going around, our old teacher...what was his name? The one who died? A statue fell on his head?" Soul answered.

"Sid, right? The statue-smash-skull incident?" Maka asked.

"Rumors say that there's a dreadlock obsessed man attacking the students at the DWMA? A student from another class totally got owned by all say the same thing. He's a zombie with a hole in his forehead!" Soul yelled freaking Maka out. He got a book to the head.

"Just a silly rumor, like the one that Blackstar stashes dead bodies in his basement." Maka replied. Spirit opened the door.

"Quiet, class is starting!" Spirit demanded. "I'm not taking attendance, it's too hard. The bell doesn't decide when class ends, I do." _Totally nailed it Maka!_ Spirit thought.

"You dad is a weirdo." Soul said.

"He is not my dad." Maka replied.

"Hey you, Death Scythe! Your going to be the teach from now on?" Soul asked.

"Just temporarily." Spirit replied. "Until Sid can get properly replaced. Time for attendance."

"But you said earlier it was too hard!" Soul pointed out.

"I'm not taking it for the boys, I'm taking it for the ladies." Spirit explained.

"Stop messing with us!" Soul yelled.

"Loser..." Maka groaned. Spirit looked through his clipboard. _Found em!_ He gave Soul a failing grade. _That's what he gets for dating my daughter._

"Time to start class!" Spirit said.

"You wrote something down didn't you?" Soul asked.

"Nevermind that, go see Lord Death." Spirit dimissed.

"Lord Death?" Maka and Soul asked. They walked to the Death Room. Blackstar was watching them. _Maka doesn't even know I'm watching her...perfect._ "Blend in with the darkness, hold your breath, and wait for an opening!" Blackstar yelled. Maka noticed Blackstar.

"Oh, hey Blackstar!" She greeted.

"Whatcha doing up there shouting?" Soul asked.

"You got spotted..." Tsubaki said.

"Looks like my star-ness failed me." Blackstar shrugged.

 **At the Death Mirror**

"Did you get called by Lord Death too?" Soul asked.

"Yep!" Blackstar replied.

"42, 42, 564, whenever you wanna knock on death's door." Maka recited.

"I've been wondering, is that last part really necessary?" Soul asked.

"Nah, it just adds charm." Maka replied.

"Hello, Lord Death?" Maka greeted.

"Hello guys! Thank you all for coming!" Lord Death thanked.

"This is meister Maka." She said

"Meister Blackstar!" He said.

"And his partner, Tsubaki." She added.

"What do you need, anyway?" Soul asked.

"You need to do a makeup test." Lord Death answered.

"A makeup test, like dummies take?" Maka asked.

"I'm not taking a makeup test!" Soul refused.

"Your mission is?" Lord Death asked.

"Recover 99 Kishin eggs and one witch soul, to make a Death Scythe." Maka answered.

"Currently, you have collected, no souls." Lord Death reminded. Blackstar laughed. Lord Death hit him in the head.

"That feels better. As for the content of this course...find out next time, in Soul Eater Abridged Chapter 5!" Lord Death announced.

"But we weren't even halfway through the chapter!" Soul pointed out. "We haven't hit a lot of the main plot points!"

"I was joking! You've heard the rumors, right? About Sid who used to teach here?" Lord Death asked. "Boy, rumors spread like wildfire in this school for sure!"

"I told you the truth Maka..." Soul confirmed.

"He was such a great teacher though..." Maka sighed.

"Yep, despite his dreadlock obsession, he was a pretty relaxed, nice teacher. But after he became a zombie, he decided to kill everyone and give them dreadlocks. There must be someone who gave him his bloodlust." Lord Death replied.

"So we gotta beat him into submission right?" Blackstar asked.

"Exactly. Now, I'm not trying to make you pee your pants, but if you fail this makeup test, you'll be expelled." Lord Death warned.

"Expelled?!" Everyone yelled.

"I'll kill these bitches!" Blackstar yelled.

 **At the graveyard**

"Come out you undead bastard!" Soul yelled.

"Is this Sid's grave?" Blackstar asked. "Is he still in there? He was moving around..."

"I think we should start with his grave..." Tsubaki replied.

"Soul, I have a great idea! How about we take a leak on his grave!" Blackstar suggested.

"We should also dig him up and cut off his dreadlocks!" Soul replied.

Maka was lamenting. Sid grabbed her leg.

"Maka!" Soul yelled.

"Are you scared of my dreadlocks? I bet you are!" Sid asked. He tried to slice Maka. Soul stopped him by flinging forward in weapon form.

"He's Sid?" Maka questioned.

"Looks that way..." Soul replied.

"Good morning class." Sid greeted. "I always say my morning greetings. It's the kind of man I was."

"Tsubaki, we're defeating this dude." Blackstar prompted. Tsubaki transformed.

"Why are you doing this to us Sid?" Maka asked.

"It's great being a zombie. You have less things to worry about. Time for dreadlock class. I start at the bell. It's the kind of man I was." Sid replied.

"It's been a while since I've owned someone...how about I show you my fantastic skills?" Blackstar asked. "Well, it's been two chapters, but still."

"If we don't do this, we'll be expelled...I'll take this washed up dirty old dreadlock class of yours..." Soul agreed.

"After becoming a zombie, washing your dreadlocks isn't a problem anymore. You can escape your fears of filthy hair." Sid explained.

"That is incorrect. You would never say such a thing." Maka replied.

"You need to learn, not just listen!" Sid began to strike. Blackstar used Tsubaki to prevent the attack.

"No need to thank me, Soul." Blackstar replied.

"I have little patience! It's the kind of man I was!" Sid struck Blackstar. "Your too weak to defeat me."

"Once I eat your soul, you'll be done with!" Soul threatened.

"It's time for your doom. Your not afraid of your death, are you? That's another benefit of being a zombie, you don't fear death." Sid explained. Blackstar kicked Sid in the gut. _He hit me right in the pressure point of my gut! Oh god the pain..._

"Well, that was a nice attack. Looks like his marital arts training paid off...Well, I hate to admit it but, Blackstar is a good assassin sometimes." Lord Death complimented.

"Okay, this chapter has gone on long enough! Tsubaki, Dark Arm mode ninja star!" Blackstar prompted.

"Right!" Tsubaki transformed. _I wonder how he can remember all these names..._ Tsubaki thought.

"Take this!" Blackstar yelled. He launched the attack at Sid, but it missed. He did an epic backflip towards Maka.

"That was nothing!" Sid insulted.

"Maka, watch out!" Soul warned.

"Living end...dreadlock power!" Sid yelled. It caused an explosion. Sid laughed a little bit. "What?!" Maka had slipped down into the tiny opening between Sid's gravestone and the hole.

"Whew, did my job." Soul commented.

"Fear is the reason why people get stronger!" Maka commented. She kicked Sid in the face. _Oh yeah, badass panty shot._ Soul thought.

"Oh? Looks like all that bike riding payed off...I hope it's shiny. Also Maka...she's using her fear to her advantage!" Lord Death reacted. Sid got totally owned.

"Maka. Let's do it." Soul prompted.

"But we're underage! Even if we were of the proper age, it's not a good time!" Maka pointed out.

"Not sex! Match up our soul wavelengths! Get your mind out of the gutter!" Soul corrected.

"But, we haven't ever succeeded." Maka reminded.

"But it's our only hope..." Soul replied. "We can do this Maka!" She nodded. Maka and Soul matched up their wavelengths. Sid and Blackstar looked in their direction.

"Back to my game...I have obtained my shiny bulbasaur at last! Plus it's female! I'll name her Maka!" Lord Death cheered. "Huh? What's going on?"

"Witchhunter!" Maka yelled. She slipped.

"What the hell! I'm suppose to kill you, not you killing me!" Blackstar yelled.

"It's your fault Soul!" Maka blamed.

"Your the one who tripped! How could it be my fault anyway?" Soul pointed out. "You should go crawl in a hole and die!"

"Me? No you should!" Maka retorted.

"Shut up! Go burn in a fire!" Soul insulted. Maka rushed up to Sid to attack. He sunk into the ground.

"Where did he go?" Maka asked.

"He sunk into the ground." Soul explained.

"Sunk?" Maka questioned. Sid rose up behind her and dealt a blow. Blackstar blocked it. _Whew, I saved Soul's life. I also saved Maka's by accident...oh well._

"Blackstar..." Tsubaki said.

"He's doing the first rule of asassination..." Blackstar noted.

"Blend in with the darkness and hold your breath, and wait for an opening." Tsubaki said.

"Thanks captain obvious. I'll just have to counter it...Tsubaki, let's go." Blackstar prompted.

"Right." Tsubaki made a trap pattern with her chains. Blackstar was breathing different. _Is he having trouble breathing?_ Maka wondered. _He won't see my trapstar coming!_ Blackstar thought. His breath went silent. _He stopped breathing, or at least I can't hear it...what is he doing?_ Maka wondered. Sid rose up, and got trapped.

"Success!" Blackstar cheered. Soul and Maka also got trapped.

"Not quite a success, you've trapped us too!" Maka yelled.

"I ain't letting you go!" Blackstar replied. Lord Death turned off the live feed.

"I've had enough reality tv." Lord Death said.

"Father, they need to defeat the puppet master now, right?" Kid asked.

"Right, right." Lord Death replied.

"But who is it?" Kid wondered. Lord Death laughed a little. "No smalltimer, I'm guessing."

"You know the meister that trained Death Scythe, right?" Soul asked.

"Yeah, Maka's mom..." Kid replied.

"Maka's mom was Death Scythe's SECOND partner." Lord Death elaborated.

"So...could it be his first partner?" Kid asked.

"Yes, Doctor Franken Stein." Lord Death replied.

 **End of chapter 4.**


End file.
